A Near Miss Melt Down

I cut more than a foot of hair off, recently. It was exciting, I have to admit, to come home and see everyone's reaction. I didn't actually want to cut it but after a baby my hair comes out at an alarming rate and having long hair the thickness of a rat tail is neither attractive nor excusable. So I lobbed it off. It'll grow.

This Christmas season was a busy one. I tried hard to be prepped before hand; I started wrapping presents from grandparents as early as November. With a large family it's time consuming with only a few gifts each. I had found and prepared activities that were holiday oriented for the kids to do on their week off of school before Christmas. I was secretly preparing for Nathan's present (more on that later) which was stressful because I really wanted to keep it a surprise. I was exhausted.

I think the exhaustion may have played into my near miss of an epic Mommy Meltdown on Christmas Eve. I am more prone to these episodes when there is high stress/low sleep involved. To be clear, I had to pull off Nathan's office redecoration surprise Friday morning. Festivus at our house Friday night. Christmas Eve with neighbors and friends, Christmas day with a speaking part at church so we needed to be on time, and leaving for an international vacation on Monday. Sooo, just a few things on my plate.

Christmas Eve involved 18 children, 10 adults. I love all of these people. It was a (mostly) lovely time. The food was delicious even though I was the only one who didn't bring enough of my dishes for there to be the left overs we had all been looking forward to. Long story as to why, but it was what it was. No one said anything but I felt embarrassed. Then there were kids running everywhere, at decibels that should require ear protection to stave off long term damage, and so it wasn't long before my nerves were completely frayed. There was also some pressure to get done and home so the kids could get to bed which can make it difficult to just enjoy the moment. The only way I can explain how I feel when I come home from gatherings like these is, raw.

As soon as we got home the kids opened their pj's and put them on. I had researched and practiced settings with the tripod to get a Christmas picture of them in front of the tree. They did not turn out. The kids were NOT cooperating and I could no longer ignore the headache that was developing. I was at the end of my rope. Frustrated that I don't know how to use the dang camera. Frustrated that I live in a country where I can't take classes to get better cuz I don't speak Mandarin. Frustrated I can't speak Mandarin. It's hard. And I suck. And... you see where that was going right?

When my frustration peaked at the photo shoot gone horribly wrong, I simply got up, turned around and quietly walked up the stairs to my room trying to swallow the giant lump in my throat. I put the baby in her bed and flopped down on my own and tried to let the darkness and the white noise of the fan soothe me. I knew it was Christmas Eve and I couldn't be absent while the kids were going to bed. That would be extra lame. So I sat there and had this inner dialogue that was half prayer and half pep talk. I tried to quite the negative thoughts that were threatening to take over my sensibilities. It wasn't working, so I prayed harder. Just to be able to walk out and not take away from the Christmas spirit for a few short minutes. It took everything I had. But I rolled back out of bed and stood up. Headed towards the fam.

I rallied for the fifteen minutes I needed to. The kids were none the wiser and will not have some freaky memory of their mom having a mental breakdown on Christmas Eve, which is good. As Nathan tucked them in I went back to my bed. I was e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d. But there was still several hours of work to do. Nathan came in and laid down, and promptly fell asleep. Irritated at his ability to do so, especially in the face of all that yet needed to be done, I got up and went and started a bath. I sat there in the quiet, in the dark and tried to feel better. I swear, I was just so overstimulated from the party I needed to feel peace and calm.

I'm not gonna lie right now though I am tempted to do so. I sat there and felt sorry for myself for a while. I am overwhelmed in my life right now. Completely and utterly. I don't know how we went from having a good strong handle on things with 4 to insanely out of control with 5. Well, I have a few ideas as to how, but you know what I mean. I am not going to try and list everything I am juggling and the things I struggle with because I don't need everyone weighing in on my struggles and whether or not you think I am justified in my wrestle with them.

Because of all that is on my plate there is very little time for me to do anything that isn't related to mothering. Certainly not time for me to develop any talents or even do things for myself. To everything there is a season is stuck on repeat in my mind. How I long to escape to a Target and fill my cart full of beautiful things I don't need. Then after getting a drink at the snack bar, leaving the cart behind and feeling somehow better. It's always when I start feeling sorry for myself that I can't go to Target that I snap back to reality.

Standing on the cliff of a breakdown, dark with winds of negativity and self loathing threatening to send me tumbling over the edge, I took a step back. I started with the absurdity of what I was coming unglued about: the fact that I had too many fun activities and a balmy tropical vacation on deck? Sounds like a First World Problem. I chose to take an honest panoramic view of the situation which would have to include things like, yes, I have a lot of little children right now. But my husband has a good job and we have plenty of food to eat and a comfortable home. My husband is home for the holidays. Some of my friend's husbands were not. My children are healthy. Some of my friend's children are not. I am able to have children. Some of my friends are not.
I suddenly felt ashamed that I was letting myself think such one sided thoughts. Yes, I am overwhelmed right now. But I am overwhelmed with the logistics of a job that I grew up longing to have. I have problems and trials and they are real and they are difficult. But after taking a moment to think of the trials of friends and family, I realized I will gladly take the ones I have.

Not to mention that in a few short years this stage of Littles will be all but a memory, and I desperately want to appreciate every stage and phase for all that it has to offer.
I slowly began to pull out of the tailspin. I believe there was some divine intervention helping me that night. And I am so grateful for it. I was able to get out of the tub and get on to the things that I needed to.
Nathan left at 11:45pm to go get milk. About ten minutes later I got a text that he'd been in an accident. He was thankfully, unharmed. It was the perfect accident to galvanize my gratitude for all that I have. Almost too much to take in... almost.

Yikes. That got kind of heavy.
Anyway, I got my hair cut.